Hi all,
It’s been a while since I wrote my last newsletter. Last time you heard from me was in March, around St. Patrick’s Day. A lot has happened since then.
I am beginning my senior year of college next month, and I am extremely nervous. A lot of ideas, thoughts, and predictions are hovering above my head. I feel this intense internal pressure to do the right thing. I know it is a fool’s errand to try to get it all right the first time around, but I sometimes fear failure. I just want to close that undergrad chapter of my life as soon as possible.
I have been going to the gym nearly every day. I feel good and energized. I am at a point in my fitness where the challenge is sticking to it, rather than losing weight. I still enjoy all of the same activities—cycling and anything cardio-related.
Since talking to you last, I started a new medication for the anxiety I mentioned earlier. It is called buspirone, and it has helped ground me these past few months. There are days where I feel floaty and disconnected from my body, but that is to be expected on the medication. Starting on it was rough, especially with the panic attacks I sometimes felt coming on. I am still in therapy and have an appointment to start EMDR treatment soon.
EMDR therapy is widely considered to be one of the most effective forms of treatment for anxiety, depersonalization, and any mental health matters. I can’t lie, I am nervous about going to that appointment. EMDR can bring repressed memories to the front of your mind, kind of making you relive them so you can work through it. A million thoughts are swirling in my head. I wonder what the specialist is going to ask, what I am going to remember, and how I am going to respond to all of the stimuli. I know that the only way to get through this, though, is forward.
I am going home on Thursday to see my parents in Iowa. I will likely be there for a few weeks as the summer wraps up. School starts August 27th, I believe.
Only a month until then,
TJL